I didn’t think that I’d write again.
My inspiration was gone and I felt so empty inside… still do.
I promised her that I’d finish the books… that I’d finish our story, because that’s what Songs of Immortality is… our story.
I finished Song of Destruction in the days after you lost your battle with cancer… a book about a husband who was so tortured by his wife’s death, that he travels to the Land of the Dead to try to find her.
To make sure she was safe.
This is the forward to Song of Destruction… I hope you like it and it inspires you to read our stories.
As all my books, Song of Destruction is dedicated to my wife, Kelly. She was diagnosed with three different kinds of cancer over the past four years. The last diagnosis was an unknown primary cancer in her bones. The doctor said the words no one wants to hear when I asked, “How long?”
“About a year.” He replied.
Kelly was so afraid, and she looked at me with terror in her eyes and she begged me to make in not true, to make it go away. I was as terrified as she was, but I found the strength to hold back my own tears and hold her in my arms. I told her, “No matter how much time we have, let’s try to have good days. Whether we have fifty days or fifty years, let’s try to be happy for as long as we have.”
The true Lord Thog of the Grey Marshes was born on that day. The mighty “God Slayer” whose only truth was to protect his Myrian and live in their happiness, despite knowing that eventually… I would watch her die and know complete loneliness.
I did everything that I could think of to protect Kelly from the monsters within her. I threw a large fundraiser for her. I researched all kind of alternative treatments like CBD oil and medical marijuana. I tried turmeric and exotic fruits that I had to order from overseas. I sat through chemotherapy sessions and blood transfusions, trying to be her “knight in shining armor” as she called me.
Through it all, her courage and strength dwarfed mine. While I’d wake up in the middle of the night with intense panic attacks, Kelly would always be there for me. She was the calming influence, the soothing balm when my own terrors became overwhelming; because my greatest fear was losing my wife. My own death held no terror for me. My fears were rooted in living without my wife. Kelly knew this and she always had a kind smile and a soothing touch whenever I became weak and afraid.
Kelly was the strongest person that I’ve ever known, and her struggle is the inspiration behind the Songs of Immortality. These books became a chronical of our love and despite the tragedy, I’ve always tried to have hope as the underlying theme. Whenever I looked into Kelly’s eyes, I saw hope there. While my own eyes held only fear and despair, she never lost hope.
I started writing God Slayer, reading it to her as I did. It was important to me that she knew these books. I wanted her to know my heart and my soul. I wanted her to see how desperately I loved her, no matter the trials we faced. We shed many tears during the writing of my first four books, but also… there was hope. We weren’t sure what the hope was, but it was always there in my words, inspired by her courage and the light in her wonderful eyes.
On Christmas Eve, Kelly suffered a stroke. We’d had a good day; she’d wrapped presents and helped me make a family dinner for us and our kids and grandkids. She sat across from me, looking so beautiful with her makeup done and outfit on. She was so happy in expectation of celebrating Christmas. As she put her earrings on, I noticed that her left hand seemed to have gone dead and she said that she felt dizzy. I asked her to smile and saw the left side of her face drooping. I called for an ambulance and instead of Christmas, our family sat beside Kelly in the emergency room. Eventually, they told us that the cancer had compromised her bone marrow and that her platelets and hemoglobin were dangerously low and would never recover.
This was the end coming.
Still, Kelly fought on. She wanted to come home and work on getting her left side functional again. She held onto that hope that had been our life preserver in the sea of despair. We fought to bring her home on hospice, where the hope dimmed by the day. Kelly grew weaker and weaker eating less and sleeping more as the pain medications robbed her of her senses.
One day she told, “I’m so scared. I don’t want to leave you!”
After holding back tears for days, I remember asking her, “Can I please cry now?” I buried my face in her arms and I cried until I gasped for air and she held me… comforting me, even as death loomed.
Eventually, I told her… “It’s okay Kelly, you can stop fighting now.”
Still, she wouldn’t quit. It was as though Kelly didn’t know how to stop fighting. Kelly was forever determined to rage against the dying of the light. For days she lingered, and it became painful to watch her suffer. I understood why she refused to leave me. Kelly was still more worried about me than she was about herself. She feared that I would simply wait for death, or worse… that much like Lord Thog, I would seek it out.
I held her hand one night, while we were alone, and I promised to live. I promised to fight for life, just as she had. I promised to finish Songs of Immortality for her. Kelly always believed that our love was an inspiration to others, and she wanted that beautiful message to be told. She wanted to read our stories and I knew this would never happen, if I never wrote them.
Kelly Lee Beighey died on January 8, 2019. Like Myrian, Maryna and all the various incarnations of my beloved, Kelly remains with me. She remains engraved in my heart and even though we’re apart, I will always find her. I’ll fulfill my promise to her, and I’ll fight for the life that Kelly always held precious. Our souls will always be drawn to each other, as Lord Thog and Myrian are drawn together throughout eternity.
While I’m not immortal, I know the loneliness of the God Slayer. I know what it is to watch everyone I’ve ever loved sail away on a ship bound for paradise, while I’m stranded helplessly on a lonely shore. I know his fears and his immense loss. I know his guilt and his enormous responsibility and most of all, I know his sense of hope.
Hope is all I have left.